literature

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lawanda's avatar
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Literature Text

I'm stuck in this place you wish was home.
Nothing ever seems right under the surface.
I want to leave. My mind doesn't live here.
I hate this probation and I hate the screaming.
It's not helping me. It's only making me weaker.

---

Do you hear me? Of course not.
You could never understand this pain.
We all know you think I'm crazy.
But you could never care why.
You could never grasp that it's partly your fault.
As long as you are okay.
As long as no one get's in your way.
Don't talk down to me. I'll yell back.
You seem to have forgotten last feburary.
You almost lost me because of this screaming.
I'm sick of your 'help'.
---

Gasping for air on a pile of clothes.
My messy floor collects the tears.
The hole in my torso rips open again.
I don't remember how I got here.
But the sobs keep pouring out.
My ruined heart keeps pounding.
I'm shaking so bad it aches my arms.
My vision is blurred with salt water.
I want to escape, but I don't want to move.
Monsters rage inside of me.
They could easily take me down.
This is the breakdown I'm hiding.
My weakness.
---

Ceiling marks swirl into focus.
My elbow cracks and aches on the hard surface.
I fell asleep again, only to wake up in the moonlight.
I'm afraid to speak. I'm fragile.
Getting up is painful but I can manage.
This has happened before.
I can think clearly. I feel drained.
My stomach protests but there's nothing to eat.
I go sit in front of the mirror without reason.
All I can see are shadows and pale skin.
I'm falling apart.
---

I wake up again. This time there's sun.
I feel energy under my skin. Bubbling up.
I smile the hundredth smile of making it to morning.
It's small and my eyes don't try, but it's a smile.
I'm out the door. To make human contact.
I chatter away, slightly hysterical with energy.
Laughter escapes my lips in waves.
I have to be home at ten tonight
and be ready to break again.
But for now, I'm happy.
I'll take advantage of this
knowing it can't last.
It's an off day when I don't go through this cycle.
This is like my diary, and I hope you can respect it.
Because I don't go around telling people how insane I am.
© 2009 - 2024 lawanda
Comments3
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Black-Massaquerade's avatar
Wow..
I really like this.
A lot.